


you can't deny you're looking for the sunset

by hold_hands_with_sociopaths



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Almost Suicide Attempt, GHB mention, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Sadstuck, Suicide mention, TW: Suicide, TW: dysphoria, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Triggers, Unrequited Crush, both with my mom and the convo, gamzee is ftm, tavros is cis, this is based off me actually, trans gamzee, tw: prozac mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 20:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4194537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hold_hands_with_sociopaths/pseuds/hold_hands_with_sociopaths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he's got you high and he knows it</p><p>at least he cares about you.</p><p>(idk how tf to do the pesterlog thing im sorry)</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can't deny you're looking for the sunset

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and when you finally get away from your dad, it’s late but your final thought is the time.

The night started with you sittin’ your old man down, shaking out of your skin and running your hands through your recently undercut hair, which was different and still stuck the fuck up but not like your previous hairstyle did. At least the shaved parts felt nice.

But still, your dad was lowkey pissed about it. He liked your long hair, why did you cut your long hair? Well, his words were more like, starin’ at you and saying “what in god’s name happened to your hair” when you got into his truck from the hair cuttin’ place on main. You didn’t say anything.

He watched as you tried your hardest to hide the tears that welled up in your eyes and you shakily said to your father that when you signed up for that school thing, you checked the M box as your gender.

When he asked why you did that, you stiffened your lip and told him that that was what you wanted to be called, and your hands shook in your lap like a motherfucker as terror flooded your system. 

You heard him snort and ask why in the hell would you do that, you’re a girl. You’ll always be a girl, and you squeezed your eyes shut before the tears had a chance to roll down your cheeks. 

You swallow the knot in your adams appleless throat and say that’s just how you’ve always felt, you’ve felt more comfortable as a boy rather than a girl.

He says that you used to play with dolls and wanna wear dresses. 

You say you didn’t even know what gender was then.

When he begins to scream and yell and lose his cool on you, you’re too fuckin’ scared to do it back, but eventually you tell him what he needs to hear. 

When your old man slaps you, you freeze and stare at him. It wasn’t the first time he had hit you, but before that you never called it bein’ hit. Everyone called it a ‘whoopin’’ and it wasn’t abuse. You learned different.

You retreat to your room as your father tells you in the harshest voice that you’re out of control, and actin’ crazy.

You go to your room and shut the door, removing your jeans you had worn the day to boxers you had bought and you felt so good in them, even though you didn’t have nothin’ down there to fill in what was supposed to be filled. You don’t take off your shirt because you don’t wanna motherfucking look.

You unlock the phone you have and start a new text conversation to the best friend you got right now, and the motherfucker that stole your heart. You don’t think this conversation will start with a tender hello though.

Gamzee: YoU aWaKe?

A few minutes later, as you start to lose hope, your phone buzzes.

Tavros: i WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO TO BED ACTUALLY, bUT, uHH, i CAN TALK,,, yOU OKAY

You almost smile, but you’re crying really motherfuckin’ badly right now. He cares, huh. He can tell when you’re upset.

Gamzee: nOt ReAlLy BuT aIn’T tHaT wHaT fRiEnDs Is FoR?  
Tavros: dUHH,,, wHAT'S WRONG  
Tavros: yOU CAN TELL ME BRO,

You do smile this time, because it’s so motherfucking refreshing to be called what you want. 

You came out to Tavros when you guys started becoming more comfortable with each other, and he immediately started calling you the correct pronouns, no questions. Well, some motherfuckin’ questions, like what bein’ transgender even was, but when he knew he was set. 

Right now you just wanna hear him.

You press the call button and he immediately answers, and you hear him fumbling with his phone before his voice comes through the other side. 

“Whoa, uh, what’s up Gamz? You seem upset.” he asks, and you sniff because snot and shit is drippin’ down your face. He hears you, and stops.

“Are you, um, crying?” he asks, and you sigh deeply.

“Yeah, brother. Can’t seem to motherfuckin’ stop. I finally told my- the old man about… Who I am and shit.” you murmur, and wipe your face with your hand. You hear Tavros sigh.

“I guess he didn’t react very well.” he says, and you sigh. Fuck.

“Nah, he all up and said I was a motherfuckin’ girl, and that I was out of control.” you say, and glance over at the desk beside your bed. You pick up your bottle of Prozac, and the pills rattle softly inside. These had given you the confidence in the first place. ‘Least you knew they worked. 

Tavros shifts over the phone. “What the fuck.” he says, and pauses. “I wish he wouldn’t be so, um, judgemental and ignorant.” 

“You and me both, bro.” you say, and pause, then open up the bottle with a soft pop. You dump the pills out onto your bedsheet, and count twelve of them. Not enough to overdose. But there’s another bottle on your desk, from some sicknasty flu you had. You pop the bottle open and count forty-three pills.

“Listen Gamz, your dad may be, um, super ignorant on the matter, but you have people who support you.” Tavros says, but you really can’t hear him. You’re shifting the pills softly in your hand and a new wave of sobs overtake anything you could say. 

Tavros stays quiet, and waits for you to speak, and finally you do.

“I can only count one motherfucker, and that’s you.” you say. “You’re the only fucker that does. I’m fucking sure of it. Tav if we’re bein’ honest I don’t know what’s even keepin’ me from swallowin’ all these pills I got.” you say, and immediately shut your eyes.

When Tavros does speak, he’s crying and your heart breaks.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Gamzee.” he says, and you take a breath. 

“It’d be so much motherfuckin’ easier.” you say, and silence yourself. You’re being so fucking selfish.

“Gamzee, shut up you asshole.” he says, and he’s still motherfucking crying, what have you done. “If anything should be keeping you here, it, um, should be me.” he says.

You don’t think anyone would care if you died, really.

“... Would you be fuckin’ sad, if I wasn’t here?” 

“Of course I, uh, would.”

You’re still crying, and he’s still crying. You feel like such a motherfucking jerk.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Tav.” you say, and put the pills back into their bottles. You put them back on your desk, and don’t fucking look at them.

“Just don’t ever do that again, uh, you jerk.” he says, and you laugh a little and smile weakly.

“Promise, Tav. You’re my best fuckin’ friend.” you say and you know you say it whimsically and longingly. You can hear it.

“Really? Whoa, uh, thanks.” he laughs, and you don’t think about how he doesn’t say you’re his.

You feel sick because you’ve said this before, and he knows it. “Love you, man.” 

You aren’t one to hide your feelings, even if it does break your heart again and again.

He just asks if you’re okay, and even though you’re really, really fucking not… you say you are.

**Author's Note:**

> whoop whoop


End file.
